First Misstep on the road to me...

Chest pains.
Cold Sweats.
Nausea that won't go away.

This was my Tuesday...
Head to the med center. Apparently in town here one can only be sick between 8a and 8p.

Nice.

Off to the city to the ER. Fabulous. 45 minutes later (after they get all their insurance information and apparently want to see if I REALLY am going to die before they admit me) I get to a waiting room.

Where I wait.

For 40 minutes before the doctor comes in and ask the same questions I answered for the male nurse.

And the female nurse.

And the intake specialist.

Seriously? I'm glad I wasn't REALLY having a friggin' heart attack.

BP is a little high. Blood tests, ECG, and XRay. Fabulous. $2500 later, and I have a definitive non-answer.

I already know it's not the appendix - that's been missing for years.

Chest xrays are clear and pretty. Sweet.

Not a heart attack. (Ok, truly I am happy about this.) Cardiac enzymes are good-show no sign of any trouble.

Sugar is good - family history, it's checked often.

Liver enzymes; not so good. They're a little high. Off to do an ultrasound on the gallbladder. Yippee Skippee. Yep, it's there, it's black, and it appears to be functioning.

Results at the doc's on Monday... I wish the nausea would stop.

Next Steps in the Journey to Me

~> Get the extra "crap" out of the house. Clutter is making me crazy.
~> Get my ass motivated in my classes. I love them!
~> Get my ass motivated for my health. I'm not feeling "well."
~> Buckle down and get the extra little bills under control before they get out of control.
~> It's okay to do stuff for me - the kids are grown. It's my turn to live a little.
~> Seriously investigate the business I want to start. I'm educated, experienced, and motivated enough to do it. I've done this before. I'm not afraid to do it again.
~> Make my travel list. I can travel alone. It's not unheard of.
~> Forgive myself of my past. Really. It's time to let go of the lost opportunities.
~> Open up. It's time to start trusting people again. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phew. Easier to make excuses.

Why Not?

Change is difficult

Change is going to be risky

Change will take a long time

There will be family drama

I don’t deserve it

It’s not my nature

I can’t afford it

No one will help me

It’s never happened before

I’m not strong enough

I’m not smart enough

The "Rules" won’t let me

I don’t have the energy

Personal Family History

My parents were divorced

I’m too busy

I’m scared

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Bull.
Shit.

None of the above.

On with life...

life, continued...

ugh, don't even get me started about wireless routers and the pain in the ass therein to re-connect to the cyber world.

however, i am now live. and life is changing rapidly again...

another one out of high school and into college. am i to feel responsible for footing the bills? i will provide home and means, but the education is their baby. they can't fully appreciate what they don't have to work for - i sure didn't 'til my ass had to pay for mine.

a prodigal son returns home. (and his father wants to reconcile but that's a whole other story)

i am happily discovering my own life. and sadly dealing with my personal failures. does the shame ever completely disappear? ahh well.

i've taken a hiatus from school, and now back full force. i AM worth doing something with myself.

time for a reconstructive change... look for the updates - out with the old - yadda yadda yadda.

tater, dude, if you're out there, i'm still around... 2 years and i'm comin' down to hit the boat with you & the missus.

off to study.

*hugs*

Guess what I got for my birthday???

Yep...

my frickin' period.

Sweet.



On the up side - Bandido's tonight... Cozumel Caliente!

Charleston was wonderful - more on that later... back to the grind.

Doin' the Charleston...

headin' south for a mini-vacation and a college day for Pickle...

woohoo!

I am SO needing a vacation. I was running on super-bitch at the office this morning and just the act of my boss breathing was pissing me off. It was amazing.

So I'm going to be hangin' out with Pickle, and we're gonna pick up Squid for the weekend, and who knows? Maybe there will be some awesome Navy fellas down there who need some Miss B time. *wink* Daddy was a Navy man; I'm so partial! lol

Half the fun is the trip... I'm lookin' forward to the cool night air, the radio playin' softly and not having to worry about a frickin' thing but the traffic on the road.

Have a wonderful weekend! The jeep is callin' my name...
Miss B

Perfect

Ahhh the joys of parenthood. Nothing like seeing the look on your child's face as she screams she hates you.

Nothing like hearing the sibling basically not care because she's too busy in her own little world.

And I step back, watch it all fall apart, and do nothing. It is not my lesson to learn. I have this one pretty well down.

I have talked, yelled, listened, hurt, and given all I have.

There is now only time.